I have no siblings, And yet, I am not the favourite child. My sexual orientation is wrong, The way I see the world is defective, “What is this unconditional love you’re professing?”
I grew up in a small town, In an even smaller country, Where everyone is for themselves And fuck the rest! I am not built that way, This was clear after so many relatives Tried to instil hate in me.
So now I am a nomad soul, Searching high and low For a place to belong. I do have a secret, though - I feel like home everywhere on this Earth, Except back where I was born …
I will write one funny story That will tell you everything you need to know about my family. I was living in Portugal at that time, My mother and grandmother decided to visit me. The first interaction was at the airport, At Starbucks. You see, they give a coupon for a free drink For every pack of beans you get. I never get a drink there, So I always try to pay it forward and Give the little thing to someone behind me in line. I forgot who I kept for company, So I did what I always do: Scan the queue for … I don’t know what, But I always know it when I see it in their eyes. I approach the chosen person and ask if they want a free drink. As usual, they accept, smiling. Who wasn’t smiling, was, however, My grandma. She was flabbergasted, And asked me meanly what I did that for. I explained my ritual, But all she could think of was my loss. I did not see it the same way, I actually believe that I gained more. I adore helping people, in every small way I can; She tried to make me feel ashamed, She tried her best to guilt me into not doing it ever again. So I ended up helping homeless people instead! Thank you for you advices, I am better off on my own.
Stay tall, stand your ground. Fight for what you know in your heart to be true. What else is there worth fighting for than love? Help the helpless, Face your fears; Of course they’re present, dear, When you care so much. See through the lies that terror spins, Walk through the flames, you can win. Follow your heart, Follow with love And a fierce compassion. You have cried tears of grief For your own pain and for the world’s. You have yelled out at injustices Towards yourself and this realm. Honor love, even in the smallest steps. Don’t let darkness get a hold of you, Don’t let it fool you. ‘Just this once’, ‘you are only one person’, With its snake-like eyes and sly smile Will try to rot you from the inside out. Don’t give in, my darling, Don’t let it eat at you. Follow the love, the truth, the light. Be the love, the truth, the light.
On this journey of life I advance without a strife. My past softened as I healed I don’t stroll through a minefield. I had a voice inside my head, Amongst many, that said My body is a glass temple, So be gentle and don’t tremble, It is all instrumental. Marry your shadow with your light, They are not in a bullfight. Finish it off with a love ribbon, Don’t be afraid of being grief-stricken. Feel all your emotions with understanding, It is going to be soul expanding. Don’t act out of anger and fear, Instead look within and lend them your ear While you stay in first gear. Take good care of yourself, dear; I am only being sincere. What happened to you is not your fault, But the responsibility of healing is in your vault.
Stay with your breath, With the sounds, With this second. Have you ever noticed How you are just the space Where everything appears? How you can’t hold on to a sound For more than it is? How you can’t hold on to the anger for more than a few seconds Unless we actively feed it with more thoughts?
Consciousness is tricky, but it’s simple. It is the only thing there is And its language is Love.
Find the tranquility within you. There will always be storms, But how you react will feed the severity of them. There will always be triggers, But shining a light on them will allow you to work on a deeper level of healing. Accept them and find their roots.
It was such a good day! I took my pill this morning, I drank my coffee in bed With my soulmate and the dog. The cat comes in from time to time To demand some love. We had an alarm set for the morning, One in a long time. After a shower we went into Corfu town, Just the two of us! She looked like the sun, I could barely look at anything else. I think the city is heartwarming, At least that is what I felt. After a few hours of strolling around, A few coffees later and a laughter filled lunch, I started to feel emotionally drained From all the interactions we had With a lot of wonderful people. She immediately noticed and walked with me in silence, Our hands intertwined, our souls together. I am so grateful for her … And it went away.
Let’s all ensemble in a meditation, We are all one nation. The frustration will disappear on location, Let’s all love each other even after cremation. I want to give an ovation To all the people who embraced acceptation, It is my own aspiration. Here comes the complication: We are all a constellation, And we all know there is no dark without the confrontation Of your shadow self, you need to have a conversation, It is all a contemplation. You need to ask the hard question “What am I ashamed of?” and work with dedication To accept, heal and integrate all parts, this is not a denigration. It will feel like devastation, Or maybe even a deviation. After all the excavation You will find, with exaltation, With no explanation, But lots of fascination, That we are all one, you were just in hibernation. Wake up to the senses, it’s over - the incubation! Go into the world, take an inhalation, And be a witness to how love can become an inspiration, Even an infestation - this is my inspiration. ‘Love each other’ should be a legislation, Let’s make it happen, it is our obligation.
We made it, baby girl. After all those terrifying nights, We now sleep in the safest arms. After all those unsure days, Now you have a steady job that allows you To travel the world - your dream, remember? After being locked for so many times, Now you have the freedom that comes with a soulmate. After being so hard on yourself for so very long, Now you sail the self-love sea. After all those violations, Now you have well set boundaries. You lost your mother in the process, When I finally saw all the harm she did to you. She was just … less than the molestation, It took a while to recognise her form of abuse. I apologise for the hell you went through, No soul deserves such heart wrenching treatment.
We are safe. We are happy. We are loved. We are far away from all that harm. We made it!
There is a complete pandemonium in my mind Every single time I get bored, I become blind. Blind to all the perfection of the present moment, It seems that I am my own opponent. The anxiety comes in waves, I am in need of a few saves. The weight of relaxing Leaves my body collapsing. What is this immortal state? It incessantly leaves me in checkmate. It is not quite a mystery to me, I have a lot of trauma, you see. Whenever the stuffy memories come back, And pieces get out of the dark, Off the rack, It feels like a heart attack - or better even, An emotional and physical one, but I always bounce back!
My thoughts whisper back to me, ‘What are you doing, can’t you see? You are not allowed to relax, what is this plea?’ They take a presence of their own, And they eat me to the bone. I want the forbidden gift, I seek a shift. Unwinding does not atrophy you, It is, instead, the absolute glue That holds it all together, No matter the weather.
Writings by Starmud 