I have no siblings, And yet, I am not the favourite child. My sexual orientation is wrong, The way I see the world is defective, “What is this unconditional love you’re professing?”
I grew up in a small town, In an even smaller country, Where everyone is for themselves And fuck the rest! I am not built that way, This was clear after so many relatives Tried to instil hate in me.
So now I am a nomad soul, Searching high and low For a place to belong. I do have a secret, though - I feel like home everywhere on this Earth, Except back where I was born …
I will write one funny story That will tell you everything you need to know about my family. I was living in Portugal at that time, My mother and grandmother decided to visit me. The first interaction was at the airport, At Starbucks. You see, they give a coupon for a free drink For every pack of beans you get. I never get a drink there, So I always try to pay it forward and Give the little thing to someone behind me in line. I forgot who I kept for company, So I did what I always do: Scan the queue for … I don’t know what, But I always know it when I see it in their eyes. I approach the chosen person and ask if they want a free drink. As usual, they accept, smiling. Who wasn’t smiling, was, however, My grandma. She was flabbergasted, And asked me meanly what I did that for. I explained my ritual, But all she could think of was my loss. I did not see it the same way, I actually believe that I gained more. I adore helping people, in every small way I can; She tried to make me feel ashamed, She tried her best to guilt me into not doing it ever again. So I ended up helping homeless people instead! Thank you for you advices, I am better off on my own.
It was in the midst of the pandemic That my meditation paid off and I reached Nirvana. One of the decisions made based on the level I reached Was to volunteer my energy at a homeless shelter. All I had to do was help them with their shower And just talk to them. I remember the last night there as it was yesterday - We were all out, at night, a little past their curfew and my schedule. The moon was watching over us, Being the family member that none of us ever had. She sent us whispers of protection on a wave of summer air While witnessing our unconditional love for each other. People from all over the world, moved to Lisbon in the hopes of a better future. All in a circle, talking about music (that was our common language), About home, About life. Cultures that I’ve never heard of Are all alive in me when I hear their melodic notes.
They taught me that relationships are healthy And have not one inch of jealousy in them. They showed me love and even gave me gifts, Gifts that they will never be aware of.
I know it in my soul That this is my path. I connected with them like no one else, And they embraced me and kept me safe.
I want to tell the story of one of my guys That saved me during a dark night of the soul. I was near the train tracks and the bridge, And all over the place were messages written. “Don’t do it”, “Jesus loves you”, “Jesus understands you”, “Jesus is always with you”, “You are not alone”, “You are loved”. They saved me during one of the darkest days of my life. And then I met Jesus. He is one of the guys That lives happily off the grid, With no interest in politics, governments or races. He saw me running a few days in a row and stopped me kindly, asking if I run for my heart or for my mind. I grasped the wisdom in his question And I stopped and talked to him for a few beautiful moments. I never thanked him for saving my life, But his eyes told me he knew.
I will try my best to be the light that you were for me.
Writings by Starmud 